Love is a quiet voice

Just so you know, even if I don't talk to you due to some conflicts  it's not that I don't care. I just don't know how to clear the awkwardness.  If you don't talk to me and pretend you don't know or hiding from me. Well, I can tell you I understand you why you do that. 

There is always something about someone which you want them to change. Some old habits die hard. I am the kind of person who can't express my feeling (usually sad or love) in words. Some people express better in writing. I am for sure one of them. Maybe it is because I came from a family who is not expressive. We don't really talk about our feelings. We don't hug. The only thing we can do is by giving love without the need to utter any word.

Well not that this is a wrong way of expressions. Just that I have a habit that won't die. My love is a quiet voice. The truth is I have only few close and best friends.  I can never caring about others even if it's none of my bee wax. I put strong trust on my friends. If they let me down my heart will instantly sank. But regardlessly this inner hatred in me will never last long. I will never stop showering my friends and family with my tender love. Because end of the day, making others happy is my happiness.

We can never be perfect in everything we do but we can choose and forgive and move on.

What's new?

It's already second month of new year! I really hate how time flies but I think I'm slightly more productive than last year. Well hard to judge since it's only the beginning of the year. I am doing my best to cling on to my motivations.


So what really happened  to me after December 2014? I set a resolution for myself. My new year's resolution is to be more active in events and learn more new things!

First I went to this speaker club, Toastmaster's meeting which I thought I would not even try to step foot in. And because of my undying agenda, I had to force myself to at least give it a taste. So without any much research about Toastmaster, I participated in this table topic (I had no idea there were even such thing in this club)! So whatever I said, I felt I'm an embarrassment because I was shy and I had no idea what to say! But the truth is nobody was perfect at their first try. I was just being too harsh on myself. After the small 'speech' it was confusing that I got few praises from friendly members. I wasn't even sure I was even good enough. I always get butterflies when I talk in front of people especially everything is so formal. My hands were trembling so I was swaying as I was talking. Nevertheless, it was a great experience because there were other great speakers. I learned a lot by observing their postures, their expressions and their tone of language. Yes, thankfully I'm a very detailed person. I think I will shamelessly attend another meeting because I do enjoy listening and also I desperately want to murder these butterflies...

As the following week came, I did plan to go for another Toastmaster's meeting but it didn't happened because my sewing class was confirmed in a very last minute. I told myself that I had to go to the sewing class because one,  I agreed to it one month ago and two, it's something I always want to learn when I was a kid. However, it's not my undying passion.  I just to develop an extra skill to show off. I love giving myself an achievement even if it is a tiny one. So far, I bought a machine, learn to cut and sew a little a bit. Although it is not much, it feels like something I learned! YAY!

Also, I did few paintings which I'm quite proud of myself because last year I only painted one drawing. *give myself a pat* But I couldn't have done this without my friends. They gave me incentives.  And because of my friends, I'm constantly reminded of my dream (nothing to do with painting) shouldn't stop here.

Eventhough I had good times, sometimes stress gets me. The truth is I don't handle stress very well and what makes it more worse is that I'm an over-thinker. In reality, it's inevitable there will be friends-enemies badmouth about my company and my family. Recently, I bumped into an arrogant lady who obviously tried to bully me by gossiping about me. But it's too bad that those words didn't pierce me like they used to. That 'Claudine' she once knew was long gone. I am thankful that arrogant people who look down on another existed. If weren't because of them I don't think I will ever be this hungry to strive harder and better. I always imagine there is a devil and an angel on my shoulders. Whenever there is negative thought came across my mind the angel would cover it with another positivity to comfort myself.

Overall January was great and Valentine's day was great too. *Although I'm still single and being asked countlessly why am I single* Life is great! Life is amazing because my journey to my dream is getting one step closer each day. Thank you, God! :)